No Turning Back Now
"I find sometimes it's easy to be myself; sometimes I find it's better to be
somebody else". So Much To Say, Dave Matthews Band
The line does speak for itself. I can be me at times, then be Kayleah for another time. Same theory goes for me attending my church. I may have worn foundation, eye shadow & nail polish during Sunday service yet still had the physical position as a dude. This coming Sunday, since I let the cat out of the bag on facebook last week about it, I am dressing as Kayleah to show my feminine side. Not saying that everyone on facebook already knew that. Or for those who saw me at Rockford's first Pride Fest should already know that I have been "different" for the longest time. If this country can't accept people wanting to be just as they are, even if it means dressing as or completely changing to another respective gender, we shouldn't even be a country.
Just last night at choir rehearsal, the director asked me about exactly that. I can say now that I wanted to nearly change the date of that to sometime in November, not just for gender expression, but for a more personal reason. Saturday, November 24, 2012 will be the 33rd anniversary of the day that my beloved mother passed away from cancer in her kidneys. I can still remember it like it was today. I do admit that I said something to her face that I'm not proud of shortly before she was called home. Since that day, I keep wondering & praying she has forgiven me for that harsh comment back in 1979. She left a ton of her old nursing uniforms, wigs, pantyhose, and other clothes behind. This, I can probably say, is how my fascination with femininity was created. Now, looking back at that moment, it makes me wonder what would have happened if my mom's only son was reborn as her third daughter? Or was the reason of my dressing a message sent from God via my mom? After 14 years, I know I can't go back on how I have expressed myself genderwise. Lord knows He wouldn't have had my back all these years if I did.
So I am going to go through with this. What a vision I had in the past that gets to come true: Getting to sing with the choir fully dressed as the person I wish to express myself as I may wish to become. Almost felt like I was disappointing myself if I wimped out or postponed this occasion. Would you believe I have even worked a little on my voice? I won't spoil that until Sunday, when I shall post this everywhere. I am thankfully blessed to have my friends (physical or online) that has given me support in all this. A few have been encouraged by choice! It's a step in the right direction for transgendered people everywhere. And yes, it could lead me in doing this more often, possibly toward going full-time within a few years. It's a dream? Yes....one step at a time.
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