Signs

Hello again. It's the beginning of another week living as my new feminine identity. In between doing some grocery shopping, choir rehearsal and to an extent, a few gender slip-ups by Janel, my choir director, being a new gender has given me some new perspective on my life. What I can say is that I have to daily shave any trace of stubble off my face to get that baby-bottom smooth feel on my skin. So much easier said than done. Going full-time has also helped improve how much foundation to apply. Only so much at a time...okay, Sundays only, when I go to church. Yesterday I went shopping with my friend Gary wearing no foundation but only lipstick and eyeliner. I really felt blended into society. Of course, having a nice puff of hair definitely helps! This month I have forgotten to buy my normal hair dye (Dark & Lovely Honey Bronze). My roots are showing, which has given it some reality to it...at the wrong places.  The more I see myself as a woman, I am really liking what I see. After all these years seeing myself in the mirror as a seldomly unhappy male, I can't stop gazing at the reflection of the woman looking back at me. Then you realize that woman is actually me. Only since the day I first came out on the Tuesday evening back in Milwaukee in April 1998 have I enjoyed being the person who I felt most comfortable. Why should I ever stop doing this? 

I came to a considerable question in my head as I took an evening slumber: What would be the main reason that I abruptly started living as a woman full-time? The answer to this question can be endless, if not complicated. Scattered about my countless blogs are a plethora of clues to the source of that dilemma. You would think locating a needle in a haystack would be more easier than this. Mentally, I haven't been that happy with the way i have looked over the years. Since 1998, being somebody who I wasn't was more incredulous than any pharmaceutical drug found over the counter. No such sign of hangovers here. However, I have had a "sign" about my future since not long after my mother's passing in 1979. My dad caught on to this shortly afterwards, which mostly stunted the urge throughout my later childhood. I often had dreams during the college years about this...they were just that-dreams. It was only after college that I finally stopped procrastinating on those dreams and pursued it.

You could ask why did i wait so long to do this? Yes, if the moment had occurred 30 years ago, my dad would come close to disowning me. Maybe not what Janet Mock's dad did to her at the same age (having her hair shaved off), but close. My sister Charlotte has always wondered about me. She's the one that's never satisfied with what I did in my life. Sibling rivalry would not make it more simple to understand. All those clothes my mom left behind. The makeup that Charlotte wore, which looked better on me than it did on her light-skinned self. The multitude should be coming to you any moment now. Then again, how many people do YOU know transitioned in their teens? Twenties and up? (One second here. As I am getting this together I am watching a Bond double feature. Casino Royale & SkyFall. Daniel Craig does kick a lot of ass in these films, mind you. The next one won't come out until 2015, but like SkyFall, they'll probably start shooting it in the fall. I'm so into these flicks I do lose track of what I was writing about. OK. back to the blog!) 

It does get me wondering why some people transition in different stages of their lives. Seen a lot of folks in their late teens and 20's do it. I knew one who switched just before age 60. I wonder if this was the right time to do of such. Only I knew the answer. had i changed during my college years, would it mean I could have more of a life experience before God calls me home? No one knows. Mock's book Redefining Realness... is today's sign for those TG to not be afraid of being who they are. Yet there are so many of us out in this world that may/may not have a story to tell. One day a collaboration of my blogs could be combined to preach my own story. Do I think it will be as popular as Janet's? I will not hold my breath. Yet meeting her and other transwomen of color is a goal.