5/1/14: The First Big Step

"Ooh yeah, well life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone...." 

-Jack and Diane, John Mellencamp

So I made a proclamation on facebook last month about beginning my life full-time as Kayleah. Then I got a lot of feedback from my fb friends, as well as those who attend church with me and some fellow transpeople of color. I am thankful that the response was overwhelmingly positive. Even got a message from college and high school colleagues, too. Then I went ahead and posted a picture featuring me with Janet Mock's Redefining Realness book. She did respond thanking me for getting the book. Posted a #redefiningrealness piece on that site, my pic was on a video interview she was doing to help make the everyday public get a better understanding of people like myself. And with all these attacks of transpeople by alleged homophobes, the everyday world will soon notice with a vengeance. Isis King, Janet Mock, Laverne Cox and host of others (male-to female and female-to-male) will do what they can, as long as people will listen and watch what's going on. 

             "I find sometimes it's easy to be myself; sometimes I think it's better to be somebody else."                                                                               -So Much To Say, Dave Matthews Band

Now, you have me, a 43-year old person who decided on a whim to do this after 16-plus years of knowing that I have a knack for dressing up as the opposite gender, complete with makeup, womens' clothes, earrings, and low-heeled shoes. I was more relaxed as somebody else, enjoying the anonymity while I went shopping. This was no masquerade by any means;this was for keeps. Like a lot of things in life, there was a price to pay. Relocated from dearly beloved Milwaukee to northern Illinois in 1999 to eventually start living as the aforementioned person of current topic. Congratulate me, everybody. I am the family's version of the BLACK SHEEP. Nevermind that I left my now-deceased dad to be left alone so I can have the freedom to express myself this way. This was a sign ever since my mom's passing in 1979. I think my dad didn't really give a shit about me much. He never told me anything about the "birds and the bees" line about the gender thingys. Didn't inspire me to do anything with my life. Like my ass was going to do construction for a career, which I never cared for. Not saying that I hated my parents, though they could've given me some reason of what to do with my life. Geez, if you have read all of my blogs from day 1 you would already know this. 

Today I started to make good on what I preached on doing. Got up, washed up, gave my face a good shave with some of this so-called shave butter (?), did it twice to make it nice. I moisturized, then began to apply my makeup to start this day. I will say that drawing in my eyebrows are getting to be easy, once I stop using the eyebrow stencil. Then my eyeliner and shadow on my face. So many shadows, so little time. I usually finish with my favorite, the lipstick, yet that has come first after I power my face. Decided not to put on blush for my cheeks, since between shopping and church, I stay home. Then, I take a garbage bag and begin the process of gathering all my boy clothes that I had over the years and bagged them up, ready to be taken to either Goodwill or the Salvation Army in the morning. So many clothes...although there's no way I'm parting ways with my high school letterman's jacket. I popped almost $100 for this baby with the purple and gold center and snow-white leather sleeves and a cheerleading patch sewed on the left breast area.  which has rarely been worn since after college. Of course, people will wonder who was this "Klyde" person (the name I occasionally went by in high school). Oh well. All I'm saying is that since high school I have never taken that much care of myself, starting with my weight. Lord knows I have a weight problem! Same thing with the appearance of my knees, elbows, and especially my teeth. Why do you think when you see my pictures I am only grinning instead of smiling? There ya go. If I am now living as kayleah, you know I am going to need a larger wardrobe, pun intended, since I am plus-sized person.

Last weekend, while killing time over the NHL and NBA Playoffs, I re-wrote  a new list of things that I hope to accomplish, at least in 2014. Placed the dry eraser board on the door of my motel room just to make sure I see it everyday and make sure they can get done. You are well aware that the process of changing my gender does take a bit to create. My looks are basically passable as an African-American transwoman of color, hair notwithstanding. Doing a bunch of shopping looking passable with your mouth closed is nothing. I am not that currently concerned about the way that I walk, if it gives me away (doubt it!). Do natural-born woman required to walk like runway models? Hell no! How I speak to someone without using a gaylike lisp is entirely another. When I am inside my abode like I am as I type this blog, my voice is relaxed and low-pitched. Therefore, I am returning back to the old version of myself. I have also used this voice when I am at church either for choir/bell rehearsal or Sunday service, meaning there is room to work on how to speak in a more feminine voice. Yeah, I've seen plenty of ways to raise the pitch of my voice online. Whoopty-shit-some-more! It's called practice, dumbass!!! On the other hand, there are Hollywood actresses with low voices, so it can work out both ways as long as yours doesn't sound like a lighthouse foghorn! 

Where I am at now has a lousy public transportation system. Seen it first-hand. They didn't even have Sunday service at one point. These routes are so different-the daytime routes ends around 6:15pm; the evening routes are quite different, going until 11:15pm. Good luck finding your way after 5pm on Sunday! I mainly get a ride to go shopping, pick up the post office mail, etc. However, I know Kayleah will have to sooner or later use public transportation when a ride is unavailable. This will be a test that I should pass, though some bus drivers have seen me enough to know me by my hair, if not my face. Too many times I have been in boy mode and was called a "she" almost solely because of my hair (not my painted fingernails)! Why should that shit change, huh? I am not the only person that has made some "changes" and used public transportation. Just ask some of my transfriends on fb. What I wonder is what makes some assholes want to jump a transperson who was minding his/her own business? Is it how we look? Did they make some kind of sexual pass at them? Were these certain knuckleheads drunk? I couldn't answer that. Some people out there will continue to think transpeople are a punchline to a joke or something. 

On Friday, along with shopping for womens' clothes and discarding my boy ones, I am doing something to make up for my error one year earlier. I spent almost three weeks incarcerated because of not taking care of that traffic ticket from 2010. I have learned my lesson. I can now say that as of this, I owe less than $200 on that offense...though that was more than the original ticket. On June 29, the annual Chicago Pride Parade will commence Gay Pride Month. My pal Gary got the opportunity last year to walk in the parade with a LGBT-friendly UCC church in suburban Downers Grove.  He knows I am wanting to participate, especially as my new gender. What I am considering doing is passing out business cards promoting my LGBT-friendly business here in town. The parade is at least three miles...I will need a lot of cards to pass out!  Would you believe I got the encouragement of trans-MMA fighter Fallon Fox!!! We're fb friends now. I thought her recent HBO piece on her was more balanced than other reports. Her laid-back look was cute, too! I asked her will she be able to make it for this year's parade. She'll let me know. I want to meet her in person. She, like Cox, Mock and King are TG icons, so I think it's cool to even share a picture with her. 

All this self-hoopla over changing my gender will pass eventually. Maybe it's just the fact that something that is looking so positive in my life will have a series of lulls between memorable moments (getting name  & gender changed, correcting driver's license, social,etc.). Life will continue like a daytime soap opera, and only I will know what will happen next.