Dear Mom...

November 20,2013                                    Loves Park,IL

Dear Mom,

This coming Sunday will officially mark 34 years since you left this world. The last time I got to see you alive was at St. Joeseph's Hospital in Milwaukee in 1979. I know that the last thing I would ever say to you would turn out to be something I would regret saying to this very day. I have constantly asked God for forgiveness for my comment. It was in the heat of the moment,and I wasn't crazy about hospitals. Remember, I was only 9 at the time. somehow, I am hoping that this message does get to you, one way or another.

Dad did take care of me after you left. I don't think he cared if he motivated me or not. Some days I would be a good kid, some days I'd do something stupid and he'd get angry at me. I will admit that I'm no Rhodes scholar,but I did try to have a little fun here and there while getting my education. Got to go to New Orleans for college. Didn't want to stay home, I guess. Met a lot of folks. May have done a couple of things I shouldn't have done. It was there that I cashed in my virginity with a girl there. We're still friends today, thanks to social media. On May 13, 1996, I graduated from college with a Bachelor's Degree in communications. So it took me longer that I wanted to accomplish this, but I did it!

Two years later, in 1998, I had the urge to do something, which eventually got a hold of me. Maybe since I missed you so much, I wanted to do something to always remember you. Mom,I came to realize that I wasn't always a normal kid growing up, and there really isn't any shame in that now. every time I see myself in the mirror, I do see some reflections of you. In other words,Mom, I believe I am a transgender. This means that I basically see myself more at times as a woman than I would as a man. For over 15 years I have been doing this, when I made the decision after I got into my 40's to hopefully transition to being a woman on a full-time basis. Keep in mind that no one else in the family knows about this. I left Milwaukee on a weekend night in the summer of 1999 to Rockford,IL, where I can dress more freely and not get chastised by anyone from the family. Your daughter Charlotte has called me an "embarrassment to the family" because of the lifestyle change. We haven't talked in over a decade, and might never do so again. It doesn't mean I can't still like things like sports or action movies, just under a different name and gender. I didn't even come back home in 2007 to bury Dad. He just thought I was some kind of disappointment or something. Seems there still was some hostility about how I left. Please don't be upset at me, Mom. I felt like this is what I wanted to do, even though I still wondered what God had in store for me in a new location.

Recently, I decided to join a church that warmly welcomes people like myself. You'd have to get over the fact it's located in what's considered an upper-class neighborhood. I'm one of the few folks of color that is a regular member there. It may not be a missionary baptist church, like the one your side of the family has been with for ages. Had I told them what I told you, they'd either pray for me or tell me to leave the church. Here, I am welcomed by the United Church of Christ. I even like their slogan: No matter who you are or where you are on life's journey, you're welcome here. I like that. They even have this motto-God is still speaking. This type of church welcomes everybody, even the LBGT (Lesbian,Gay,Bisexual,Transgender) community, where I do have a host of friends. Would you believe I have been all dolled up and still welcomed with open arms? They just had to know what name to call me! I am on both the sanctuary and the bell choirs, as well as a few groups in between. 

I have just turned 43 years of age a few weeks ago, still trying to wonder what God has in store for me. I run a small, home-based online travel agency that will hopefully get noticed. The choir has asked me to do sing lead on the gospel classic Oh Happy Day, which be this coming Sunday, November 24...the same day you left me 34 years ago. I have been a bit concerned on what to say to the congregation about this song and its ironic relation to me. One friend of mine, Kenia, sent me this message: "The greatest gift a parent can give their child is the courage to move on, and not dwell on things in the past. Make it the very best of memories, and enjoy moving on. Hugs :)."
You know, I have spent all this time trying to get over this moment in my life. It's made me an emotional wreck, too! I had figured that me dressing up was a way that you had forgiven me for the harsh commentary back in 1979. You were with me when I graduated from college, when I was traveling on the highway, and even the day I first saw myself all dressed up in 1998. I accepted that. I know your spirit is very much inside of me, and when I sing Oh Happy Day on Sunday, I would warmly like to dedicate that rendition of the song to you in your memory. I hope you will like it. Mom,thanks for being with me, now and forever.

Your future daughter,

Kayleah D. Hutchins-Madison