What Have I Learned as A Middle-aged Transperson

As I'm writing this blog, today is Sunday, October 25, 2026. On this eve before my 56th birthday,  I know that there has been plenty of shit that's happened in my life since my last blog, which was surprisingly over a year ago. Silver (my cat) has arrived next to me to keep me company while I try to write this. Either way, my endeavors have still kept me broke as fuck. I'm mainly still the only one who reads this shit, so anything goes. 

I made a mistake the day after Labor Day to once again nod off while driving, and this time there were cameras to prove it, too. My boss had already told me about the insurance company considering me as a high-risk employee thanks to my lack of preparation prior to the start of my shifts.  This time, it caught up with me as I was just turning off the highway on a cloverleaf exit when I momentarily blacked out and ran my van off the road into the adjacent field. The cameras showed everything, though I didn't hit anything but a road pole. It blacked out, alerting the dispatch that I crashed. I then drove around the field and got back on the road gas up my van. Any excuse I could make up to save my ass couldn't do me justice this time. I knew I was cooked. Next morning,  I texted my boss, who has warned me in the past about driving half-awake multiple times, and basically terminated me sans actually saying it, at the insurance company's recommendation. Shit. There went 11+ years of having that steady gig: 6 of them was driving a hand-me-down minivan as a cab 3rd shift while Rockford slept, and the last 5 doing the medical transportation bit, with weekly checks and Christmas bonuses. My last check included my would-be vacation pay, totaling about $700. That was enough to cover my own monthly bills, with groceries.  However, I knew that dough would be spent faster than the city repaving the main drag by my house. 

To save on gas, I put in applications via online to a host of companies near me. Most of them denied me, maybe because of my record or due to my age. Some jerks even go by credit ratings too. Why I'll never know. This state took forever to respond to my applications for unemployment and food stamps. I got denied for unemployment yet was approved for SNAP benefits. Anyone who's been out of work for a while knows about what it's like not to pay your bills on time, getting those damn collection calls and letters. They really don't give a shit if you're broke or switching jobs or going through a mourning.  Seeing my credit rating drop is of no importance to me. Some shit you can't get out of unless you're THAT desperate. 

Adding to my streak of bad luck, some dumbass sideswiped my car, resulting in the side mirror clinging to the door with its respective dents and white streaks. Not to mention while driving Pattie Sue out to Target, the exhaust pipe comes loose, making my ride sounding louder than a mic'ed up snoring group of idiots on the shit box.  This was such a goddamn month where I obviously thought God hated me because of losing my job at middle-age. I didn't realize I made over $2000 in August alone, but spent it on a lot of shit. These days the cost of everything has skyrocketed in the last few years...and I  BLAME President Pumpkin Head....NOT JOE BIDEN!! It'll take until maybe January just to get myself back to normal.  

Only decent thing is I DID find another gig....this time, driving kids to & from school, even the special needed ones too. Had to get used to being paid biweekly again, but with a larger hourly pay rate with benefits. Would you believe I have to be at work tomorrow-on my birthday-at 6:00am? Unlike the other gig though, I can be done by 5:00, so if I wanted to go to a show during the week, it's now possible.  What to do during the kid's off-time is a question I need to explore. Proofreading? Typing? Voice acting? If it pays well, I could go for it.

This past April was probably my last Black Trans Advocacy Coalition (BTAC) event, this time held at a familiar place----New Orleans!!!! Yes, back to the city of my collegiate alma mater,  Dillard University, for the first time in 30 years. So, my returning to the Cresent City went full circle, this time as a transwoman. I spent most of my time back there basically the same way I did back at Dillard--solo. Going to BTAC was supposed to be educational, spiritual and emotional when it comes to being part of a "family" of Black transpeople, non-binary individuals and allies. That might not always be the case. I constantly wept profusely from being greatful that I had the opportunity to BE IN New Orleans after so many years away. First place I went to eat? Popeyes! Later Door Dashed some grub from Rally's/Checkers too. FORCED to spend extra money because I couldn't find anyone to reserve a room with and once again wound up with my own room....alone in an $1100 room, plus $300 deposit and, since I rented wheels, another $330 for valet service. Enjoying a week from the rat race doesn't mean shit if you don't do something memorable, and getting busted by the 5-0 for being wasted doesn't count. At least I cashed in my virginity near a freeway exit ramp near campus in the early hours of a Sunday morning. (She knows who she is.) I knew I couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted to do during that week back there, even though 30 years earlier I spent 6.5 years there to do exactly that. Hell, I didn't even THINK to remind myself to get a daiquiri or a po-boy! Returning to New Orleans in 2027 for BTAC or whatever depends on how my finances are after getting my bills paid up.

One thing I can say about myself: I'm such a goddamn introverted schmuck! All these years throughout my days back home in Milwaukee, at Dillard University, or the past 27 years here in Rockford, I've never been involved in being out in making long-lasting friendships with anyone because I'm more of a homebody than anyone would think. Why do you think I stayed at home so much when people go to the clubs? I wouldn't fit into their scene, get bored and go home, or go around town like a roaming vampire. My tastes could differ from yours. Example? During my downtime at home, I'm watching a shitload of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) or classic martial arts movies. Love life? ME?! Yeah right. Seek help, ya dweeb.

I have a friend whom I met at BTAC a few years ago.  She just got hitched last weekend in Louisville, KY. Had we gotten more close as fellow sisters, I would have done nearly anything to be in Louisville as one of her bridesmaids. I know when it comes to being a transperson, you might not have that many friends to chat with, regardless how the communication is used. Her name's Carma, and she's about 6' tall, so it's hard not to miss her. I had wanted to send her and her new hubby a gift, but thanks to being out of work for about a month, I could only send well wishes for a happy marriage.  I wonder to myself why I haven't made plans to one day walk down the aisle, and the first reason is obvious: who'd want me as a spouse? I could never compare myself to any stuck-up hussy on "Bridezillas", spending oodles of dough for one imaginary magical night. Carma had on this wonderful gown too. I admit seeing myself in an extremely gorgeous wedding dress may enlighten my senses for sometime,  but the glamorous looks DO fade away. This has the "what if" turmoil that even Tom Hanks questioned in "Bachelor Party" all those years ago.  Still one of my favorite movies, though "Bridesmaids" does come close. Moreover, I've never spent much time believing in what it means to be in love, or to love someone with a whole heart. SO many women that I'd liked to know, but I keep it to my stoic, emotionless self. Some people have all the charisma while I'm a party of one. Maybe tomorrow for #56, I shall pray for learning how to love myself.