Frustrations & Creations

I have a friend on facebook who is a regular in reading my blogs. Her name is Pamela. She has written a few books to her credit, too. We have been keeping in touch with one another for the last few months about what a lot of my articles have been about: depression and unhappiness. She couldn't have been more right. I can't say that all of these blogs will one day make me a Pulitzer Prize winner. Even though we've only exchanged messages on facebook and have never met one another face to face, she may know more about me than I do. She's seen my pictures both here and on the social network. I think she likes my pictures that I regularly post on fb. 

Today, I had a really depressing moment about how my life has been going since the beginning of this millennium. Since the start of 2000, yours truly has worked as a parts washer, caretaker, customer service representative (thrice), a security guard (one of the most lonely jobs on earth), a pizza delivery driver (twice), a substitute teacher, a courier driver and driving a cab (also twice). You can clearly see my unstability here. All these gigs in only 10-plus years of living here in Illinois? Never mind about the bleak current job situation. Although I have tried to keep a positive look at where I was working at the given time, I still wasn't as happy. So I made that fateful decision to abruptly leave Milwaukee for Rockford in the summer of 1999. Even if I relocated back home to Brew Town, my family would still be there, but the relationships with some of them would be more frosty than a Midwestern winter. Remember, folks, I mentioned my eldest sister Charlotte called me "an embarrassment to the family" after hearing from my nephew about my feminine alter ego. We haven't spoken since, and I am not "friending" her on facebook!

I also had a vision that may settle a lot of things. Mariah knows it quite well. In 2002, while "visiting" my ailing dad back in Milwaukee, she was the first person whom I told that I had desires of becoming a woman on a full-time basis. (Yeah, I may have said this before, just to make sure you were still reading this. ) It has been 11 long, frustrating years since I made that comment. The journey still continues to this day.  I have repeatedly let myself go throughout these years. My ongoing weight problem. The gaps in my teeth. Constant worries of unemployment. Transportation issues. Motel living. I should be glad I haven't cut my hair since coming here! It's been permed a few times but never chopped off! I got tired of coloring the grey hairs on the side of my head, so I colored it golden bronze in 2008. For a while, I did get hormone shots from an actual doctor. I would've had quicker results (longer hair, larger boobs,etc.) had my size not been as it is. I can say had I kept my weight under control and stayed employed, I could've had some health insurance that would have allowed me to start hormone therapy...and maybe accomplish the main goal: to go full time! I can only pray that I get employed again soon.

There isn't as many golden jobs here than somewhere else. I've never been comfortable with being in the medical field, even though my mom was one at a Jewish nursing home while I was growing up. I have had a long list of temp jobs that didn't seem to pan out. I once worked a 12-hour shift checking stickers on candy boxes, only to get a call after coming home that it wasn't working out. Do you buy that shit!? Another job had me packing/sorting advertisements, only to have someone telling me before the end of the day that "I wasn't working hard enough". Really. Either my motivation to excel at a job has been at rock bottom since my very first job in 1987 as a sales clerk at a local Milwaukee department store or I've been too busy looking ahead to what I'm going to do after I resign/get canned. 

My friend Juanita mentioned during Be-All Weekend near Chicago in 2010 that all I had to do was to "come out of my shell".  Since there isn't as many TG's in my area, coming out as often isn't that easy, especially a TG of color. When I say "coming out", I don't mean just at a drag show at a gay bar or at a pride parade. It always helps when you are with a friend or two.  My dear friend and sistah Denise has definitely done exactly that. She's been taking a bunch of photos recently, and she looks SO convincing as a girl. She's even started doing some drag shows. She's getting pretty good, too! As for Juanita's advice, I have been taking a few steps. Now I have been attending the first several Rockford Pride Fests to at least be seen in daylight. You can look at my fb pics to prove that. I have also been dressed up for a few drag pageants the last few years,too. What has been more important is me coming to my church fully dressed up, makeup and all. I forgot to mention my church, Spring Creek United Church of Christ (SCUCC), is an LGBT-friendly church. The congregation there has seen me both as my masculine self, and, of course, as Kayleah-a name that some of them have found some difficulty in pronouncing. Say it with me, everyone...KAY-LEE-AHH.  Once again, so when you see me around and about, you'll know how to say my name,say my name (nod to Beyonce & Destiny's Child!)...KAY-LEE-AHH!!! At least they were nice enough to make a name tag proclaiming such aside from my given name. The odd thing is despite cross-dressing for over 15 years both in Milwaukee and here in Rockford, I have only dressed up twice in church. That's weird, huh?  Other times, they have seen me express my transgendered self with my drawn eyebrows,a splash of eyeshadow and/or eyeliner,  a bit of lip gloss and earrings. And male clothing. I regularly paint my own fingernails since about 2011. This does beat having to wear those press-on nails. They are hard to get off after a few hours!!

  

Despite all that, I may wish to forgo a personal challenge I gave myself following my 42nd birthday last October. I am still hoping and praying to transition within a few years. However, I said this prior to turning 40 as well. You can tell that some goals still need to be accomplished. I keep believing and dreaming that becoming Kayleah on a full-time basis will become a reality very soon. After seeing Mariah have her name changed in 2001, Lord knows how many times I keep seeing myself in front of a judge, signing my legal name and gender change. Of course, when this DOES happen, it will be a bit tough at first; getting used to wearing makeup daily, doing my hair, walking in pumps (an option), speaking in a higher tone of voice,etc. Just get me ready!!!