Dumb Things...

One of my facebook friends recently asked me about when will yours truly post another interesting commentary blog. Although I do notice a lot of folks that do read my blogs after they are posted, I still don't have that many loyal followers. One friend from my church got to spend a few days with one of her blog followers last month downstate. Keep in mind they are both in the retirement age, so they are entitled to do whatever they please. They've earned it. I'm getting myself in a typing mood now, playing the soundtrack of the immortal Blues Brothers' Definitive Collection from the late 1970's. God, I miss Jake & Elwood. You know, I've given my facebook friend my phone number so she can call me and shoot the breeze someday. Kinda like an instant time-killer, you know. Something that can keep my spirits afloat while this w-fi- signal continues to go in an out while I type this message on a Tuesday in late summer. When you are waiting for a potential customer to purchase a travel package from you, it can get flat out boring and uneventful. Never mind about the competition factor here. Imagine what J.K. Rowling could do with all this time on her hands...

Jake's singing a song called "Almost", as in, I have everything I need...almost. Right. Elwood gets to sing about a "Rubber Biscuit". Here's a "wish sandwich" along for the ride. I had a nap last week about some of the reasons why I am where I am. Yes, I admit I made some mistakes that led me in this direction. Even during my teenage years I had these visions of being in my 40's at a crossroads. Now look at me. Where was that guardian angel then? I'm not talking anything like the B.S. from the Back to the Future movies by a longshot. This is were I "wish" that angel came back from the future and told me that I'd be more happier attending a regular state university than being at a HBCU (Historically Black College/University).  Too much "chocolate" for my sundae. I mentioned that all the schools I attended prior to college were of a mixed bag of nationalities from African-American and Caucasian to Hispanic/Latino and Hmong. Why did take the advice of an English teacher, who was black, to tell me to attend a black college? Too much hip-hop and rap. That's where I first saw that ever-so-degrading fashion of people sagging their pants. Sloppy, that what I thought. 

Then, I had somewhat of a realization that the main orgin of my feminine side, which eventually became Kayleah, was simply this: Think Clark Kent being Superman all day long. Or Peter Parker as Spider-Man. The message is plainly like creating an alter ego to get away from the everyday world, no matter how bad it sucks or how congested and turmoiled it can get. Through my eyes, I knew that I have a girly side, and it needed to be expressed. Even though my life wasn't going the way I dreamed it was going to become, in April 1998 the female that was seeded deeply inside of me since my childhood was finally able to surface into the person now known as Kayleah. Of course, it hasn't left me since. Why should it? I still could go full-time within the next few years should everything in my life go as planned. My natural-born sisters may never understand this, so why should I explain it to them?  I just knew I was different after my mother's passing in 1979. Keep in mind I did mention that this is possibly a sign from her up in Heaven, forgiving me for the harsh last words I said to her in 1979. Why would it be a curse?

This Blues Brothers CD is giving me some time to get a groove on while constructing this blog you guys are reading now. No, I can't dance. And I still am trying, as one person told me, to love myself. So many years of disappointments that I have to overcome to accomplish that. Some of my TG friends have learned to this, basically they are with more people that care with and about them. I am stuck with Mariah, her mental issues, and a lifetime of regrets. I have even consistently been thinking about a special young woman I knew back home in Brew Town that I have lost contact with over the years. Can't say anything that's happened in the last 14-plus years would've affected our relationship. I could've been married to her now, too. Sigh.