Why Should I Be Nervous?

Why should I be nervous?  I was thinking about that after deciding to dress as Kayleah for Sunday service. The congregation at my church has seen me dolled up twice before last year, but I haven’t dressed up for church since. Even my pastor has seen me dressed up. He almost couldn’t recognize me at this year’s Pride Fest! Many of them either didn’t know what to call me or haven’t yet learned to pronounce an easy name to remember (KAY-LEE-AHH!). You’d think after all these Sundays when I have worn some type of makeup on my face they’d understand how different I am. So what if I just happened to be the church’s (as of right now) lone member of African decent who likes to express his femininity from time to time? If I tried doing this at one of the churches I attended in the past, they would basically say a bunch of prayers and such, then eventually ex-communicate me from that church. That’s what happened to me in 1998, when Kayleah was first discovered on a Tuesday night in Milwaukee.

I have a host of friends on facebook. A good number of them are either full or part-time TGs, like myself. Unlike me, however, those folks have been doing a lot more things than what I could possibly do. Visit Disney World. Attend concerts and shows. Have dinner with friends. Take a great deal of pictures while sightseeing the local attractions. And of course…SHOPPING!!! I did that during Be-All Weekend 2010 near Chicago…with no makeup, either! I was wonderfully relaxed with my sister friends Denise and Juanita during that time. Nobody cared what we were. Just three girlfriends spending a Friday evening window shopping at a local mall and hanging out. What could be better that that? Free makeovers, maybe? 

So why should I be nervous about dressing up in church? I shouldn't be. During this year's Rockford Pride Fest, I had to overcome my extreme moments of shyness just to pass out business cards for my travel business. Even though I have been to a bunch of drag shows and pageants since first coming to this town in 1999, only a very small handful have gotten to know me..Mariah included. I did a few shows with some of the entertainers just for the fun of it. My nerves would've been twice as bad had someone asked me to run in a pageant. (Thankfully, that's another story.) I only took one picture of myself for the whole time I was there. That's a far cry from the half dozen I took from last year's inaugural Pride Fest. Oh well there. Never mind if you saw me walking around in the wrong type of shoes to be worn in a wooded park area! 

Maybe my sense of nervousness can be from my days in Milwaukee when Kayleah started coming out. I told you I was still living with my dad, who thankfully never saw me dressed up. He knew during my childhood about my minor obsessions, i.e., Tootsie and dressing up like a pint-sized Louise Jefferson for my grade school's Halloween party. Though he did wonder why during my post- college years I came in so late after the bars closed. It's something that has kept me from most of my family. Imaging the response if any of them saw me dressed up. Let the gossip start flying, with my eldest sister Charlotte casting the first blow.

Living here in Rockford has allowed me to dress a little more freely than back home. Here's the thing: my fb friends actually have more friends than I do, meaning I have done a lot of things as a party of one. This would increase my nervousness when I am getting groceries, doing the laundry, or going to the movies. The last thing I need is someone to attack me from behind when I'm dressed and maybe try to do something I don't want to do. I sure as hell do not want to become another story about a transgendered person that either gets attacked or worse by a bunch of absent-minded jerks who are fed numerous stereotypical stories about us. My life may be currently stuck at the moment, but it doesn't mean I still don't have goals.  

So my feminine wardrobe has taken a hit in the last few years. It will once again be plentiful. There's an outfit that I wore the first night of being at Be-All with Denise and Juanita. Several pictures were taken of me in that dress in front of a poster promoting that Lifetime show Drop Dead Diva. Pictures like this one below. The picture is a bit blurry. Blame the disposable camera that was used, not the photographer!

Now since that's out of the way, you already know about my desire to transition to being Kayleah on a full-time basis. No one ever said it would be easy, nor will this come cheaply. Of course I can dream about this all I want. However, dreaming about going full-time is the easy part. Yeah, I know doing something like this will always have some sort of price on it. Family. Career. Friends. Respect. You name it. When I get myself back into the workforce, that's a step in the right direction. I mustn't give up my goals on this, let alone changing my given name to Kayleah D. Hutchins-Madison. This is where all of you, my friends whether on facebook, twitter, YouTube or google can help. Just keep me encouraged in this quest!  God willing, there's still time for me to achieve THIS!!!

I am not going to be nervous when I see myself in the mirror, all dolled up and ready for church. So I may take a good long look at myself. Why should I be nervous? It's time to face my destiny!