#HeartacheCanMotivate, Vol. 2

What to do on a chilly Saturday in late March....not much. When your options are between seeing some grease monkeys attempting to improve a 1969 Dodge Challenger, seeing Sherri Shepard hosting an updated version of The Newlywed Game, or watching a bunch of cats on Animal Planet, the choices of being slumped over are endless. Remember, I don't have the pleasure of having that many friends to hang around with. Not even my church friends, who are mainly white & near middle-aged, gives me a ring just to say "hello". It always sucks. The weekends are when my cell phone is the most silent, because nobody calls me. with the exception of those "ghost callers" that I constantly get weekly. What are ghost callers, you ask? Well, when you get calls from phone numbers you don't recognize and are basically silent when you pick up the phone, let alone the little 'click' of the hang-ups. The only thing that gets wasted are the minutes on my damn cell phone! 

And all of these recorded messages from people who haven't yet got the idea they don't want to hear from you again...ever. Personally, I get calls about cutting my student loans down to size. Really. I currently owe somewhere between $88,000- $93,000 on them, plus interest since 1996. Chances are good I'm never going to be able to pay this sucker off anytime soon. Not even those deals that I've seen President Obama announce on facebook will help a 44-year-old schmuck like me. Hell, it took me damn near four years alone to pay off that traffic ticket from 2010. (in case you're wondering, I am looking at my credit scores on creditkarma.com. Boy, does it suck. My actual body weight is lower than my current credit score. Go figure.) Now I'm seeing why nobody will hire me: if it's not my work history, it's definitely gotta be about my credit history. See while I've been feeling a bit depressed lately? 

I do have some kind of aptitude test on Monday. Will it get me hired? Who the hell knows? How many places do YOU know that will hire a 44-year-old person like me--don't answer that. I've never worked fast food, and don't plan on it now. Yes, I can be a stubborn-ass at times. Though I know what I can and can't work with. So many days have been wasted being stuck in this motel with no personal transportation or expendible income. That's why I went to apply for pubic housing this week. I did attempt to apply a few years ago, but never sent the application in to the housing authority. There's quite a waiting list here, mind you. Doing this should help Mariah and I save a few bucks for things I miss having, like a stove for cooking or one of those items always seen on TV during the wee hours of the morning. It may take a while just to save up enough dough for my own ride again. Insurance, which is mandatory in Illinois, will be a severe bitch. I got away with not having it on some of my rides in the past. Gotta know where to get it from, too.

Still, when I do re-accumulate what I have lost over the past few years, will there be time for me to enjoy my life? The last thing I want to experience is me dying while having a good time. Death is something that we all will face one day, I know. Even those damn immortal folks or nocturnal vampire freaks will one day keel over of something stupid. Only God Himself knows when we'll go home. i mentioned that I might not be ready to go just yet. What's He gonna do, smite me or something? Strike me down with a lightning bolt, courtesy of Zeus? Just something else I'll be discussing with my therapist when I see her again early next month. last time I was there for a half-hour session with her, it wound up being over 90 minutes. I have a lot to say about my past the leads up to my current transition into womanhood, including hormone therapy.

This is just the beginning of an ongoing process, hence my motto for 2015: #HeartacheCanMotivate. It's just how the hell does my ass get started that's the question. One thing that could launch this is my new dentures, which after a few months of slurring my words ending with "s", I shall FINALLY have them to wear on my next visit. I get to smile with a full set of chops again. Long time coming, yes. The dentist recommended that I bring some Fixodent when I come around. Good thing, too,because there just happens to be another local business function in April that I may attend to plug my travel business. Remember that commercial about not getting a chance to make a first impression? Same principle. Just wondering should I go, or wait another few months? $50 will cover my biz for the year, $25 renewal. As if it was that damn simple.....

Then you know I don't wish to get glaucoma or cataracts anytime soon, so a visit to an eye doctor is quite certain. Should I need eyeglasses again, I won't mind: I wore them as a kid until 7th grade. They had better not charge my ass for some new spectacles! Oh yes, the Planet Fitness scandal in Michigan. I could see how well that could be handled here. I have near-shoulder-length hair, a plus-sized feminine complexion....sounds like a fun time to come, as long as no one in the women's locker room minds me in there! 

I do see a host of older transwomen of color on facebook these days. I could still be considered a young buck- er, doe-to them. They are quite happy with their lives now. But what about me?