April Promises

So here we are, folks. I am spending Saturday morning listening to Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K to its fans) and watching the British comedy-drama The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel on HBO. It's also Easter Weekend 2013. March has all but concluded. NCAA Tournament in full swing. Another season of baseball is about to begin. Spring is finally starting to show some signs of frivolity. It's about time, too, seeing all this snow that's still showing its presence in March can drive anyone insane! You did hear about Punxatawney Phil getting a bad rap for his incorrect weather prediction? Some wanted his head on a platter. What do you think would happen? He's only been right a third of the time, anyway! He's got more fans than any Walmart or that Justin Beiber creature.

Then, there's me. I still occasionally do get depressed sitting in this room in the back of the motel, where the wi-fi signal for Mariah to regularly visit YouTube is very suspect. I have mentioned too many times how much I missed the minivan that I owned before severe engine problems forced to part ways with it two years ago in April. That was the last time I drove on a regular basis, too. Same thing about getting evicted from the apartment we had for 9 years. At least I'd sleep in front of the TV or the desktop computer on the couch and not have to worry about Mariah's constant rants with her issues, some of which she uses those racial ephithets  she knows I don't use. I Miss On Demand TV, I admit it.  I'd have company with Maurice (aka Moo-Moo) and Sonny, our two cats, who would usually sleep on my stomach. With the job situation not showing that great of improvement, that's why I wanted to get into business for myself. Lessons to learn in starting a business: Have money. Lord knows I'm in my early 40's and I can't afford the time or money (if I had it) to go back to school and try to get back into the workforce. Too many mistakes I have made in the past that may have led me in this state of misery. Could've also stayed in Milwaukee, too. So I made that choice. So much time wondering when will we get back into an apartment or purchasing another car. Until that happens, I constantly work on my business, knowing that eventually people will know about this. 

April is a month I have talked about as well. As March is my business' anniversary, April would be the month my other side was discovered. The actual date is unknown; it was on a Tuesday, that I know. Recently, I did posted a video commentary response about a sermon my pastor about being angry with God. It was 20 minutes long, way too long, even for my standards. In it I talked about the 15th ANNIVERSARY of celebrating my feminine side. Had I been more financially stable, Kayleah would've been out a lot more than right now..and a bit slimmer. Yes, I know this can still be achieved with a few years, however, I'd still dream about all those possible great memories that never happened. Like meeting my girlfriends from facebook IN PERSON. That has happened only a few times. That weekend in June 2010 near Chicago comes to mind. How can you fill your mind with positive memories today while you only vision on those you only WISHED took place? I wouldn't be stuck in this motel room, that's for sure. I still would have a complete set of teeth! I'm just being lonely for the moment. Instead of getting dressed to attend a show at The Office, I do it in a blue moon, this time at my LGBT-friendly church. They've seen me both ways, so it's cool. Oh, those disadvantages of not having as many friends my age to hang out with outside of church or depending on someone else to give me a ride to and from church. I have a friend on facebook who has taken over 40,000 pictures of herself over the years. I don't have anything close to that margin, but I know I'd love to take more glamour shots of me. There's still a chance!

I have seen myself go through a few changes since coming out in 1998, knowing some sacrifices were made. Leaving Milwaukee for Rockford in 1999 was one of the biggest. Since the LGBT is more visible back home, my business would do well. It's still a work in progress right here. I can dress freely here than not worry about my family seeing me in a different way there. As I mentioned, the LGBT thing here is still in progress. They are here, just not as visible. I'm actually looking forward to being more open at the upcoming Rockford Pride Fest in June. You may have noticed my fingernails are almost always painted in one color or another. I do wear eyeliner and foundation from time to time. A girl's gotta start somewhere! So my sister called me "an embarrassment to the family", you think I'd let her comment get me down? Nah, we have never been that close! 

During one weekend in 2010 outside Chicago, my then-new friend Juanita told me when it comes to being yourself, all I had to do is "get out of my shell". I think to this day she meant to not be afraid of the person I can become, gender notwithstanding. I always try to keep that in mind every time I am dressed. I never really needed reading advice from a host of cross-dressing books, but I liked reading them. I love seeing my t-sisters in a positive light, especially Tona, Janet, Laverne, and others. 

Forgive me, blogging about this is a bit better than having a diary. Being by yourself gives you plenty of time to reflect on my thoughts. Will talk more about stuff like this at another time.