Thinking....

Yikes! It's past 1:00 am this morning. I'm supposed to be finally receiving my special Dillard University 150th anniversary goodies in the mail today. I am an alumni of an HBCU, and I'm not ashamed of it. In a few years' time, it will be my graduating class' 25th reunion, and I'm so wanting to return back to Fair Dillard for the festivities, albeit this time as a trans woman of color under the name Kayleah H. Madison.

Yesterday was yet another Sunday spent not getting groceries, but catching up on sleep, which I wound up doing a lot for no apparent reason. Hell, what would you expect on Sundays where waiting for a taxi is the equivalent of watching a lame-ass rom-com! Watching the NCAA tournament wasn't in the cards for me, especially since both Marquette and Wisconsin got blown out in their first-round games anyway. Neither of them were going to go far anyway. I stared at the calendar, counting down the weeks until I make my maiden voyage to the BTAC festivities in Dallas next month. A week's vacation away from driving these damn cabs. After three years, I could use a break. 

During the countless nights that I drive around Rockford and its vicinities you have a lot...A LOT of time to collect your thoughts about practically anything, from what to get for groceries to how you're going to pay on the bills when the cab company rapes you more than your significant other to why has my life been full of shit? Spending the last 20-plus years being openly trans has always had pluses and drawbacks. Lately, it's been my case of insecurities that keeps making me wonder why my transition occured later in life. I know it's only me that's stopping my progress! I was never that depressed pre-transition, yet I knew I never liked being named for my late dad. 

Over the weekend, I picked up a couple across from the main downtown hospital. I caught a glimpse of the lady's shimmery eyeshadow prior to her getting in the cab. Her boytoy, obviously believing if the cab driver's plus-sized, it must be a guy. She promptly corrected him, noticing my hoop earrings, eyeliner, and my fucha-colored never-leave-home-without-it lip gloss. He apologized. After getting them to their destination, I commented the woman on her choice of eyeshadow, and we got to talking about makeup can help boost a woman's self-esteem, never minding she was talking to a trans woman. We exchange Facebook pages before she went inside, then I wondered if I had only spent more time playing with my makeup on my off-days than concentrating about what will happen the next night at work. 

This got me into a minor depression. So fucking what that I lost my wallet sometime last week, forcing me to cancel all my cards, including the SNAP ones and request replacements. My ass dosen't need any identification theft trouble. The bitch will be getting hold of the DMV. By the time I leave for Dallas, they'll be replaced. I'm still thinking how much of a change I'll have upon my return back to Rockford. I'll still be openly trans, maybe with a few admirers, and I'll still be without a fucking car! You still need one here!!

2;13am. Couldn't sleep anymore. All the rest I can have prior to me literally kicking the bucket. Watching Dead Like Me: Life After Death  on DVD. I got the gist of the show, long after it went off Showtime. There's no telling how much of a grim reaper I could be a grim reaper after getting called home; I want to have some fun doing it. I can't decide what should I consume, beside a bag of rippled potato chips, for the evening feast. Maybe some chili could go well. It looks the same when it comes out, too!! (TMI? Nah!)

April is coming up fast, and so will be my anniversaries of coming out, transitioning, and becoming the trans woman you see now. This month will be different, with the aforementioned BTAC. Countless trans people of color from different places. I've been having odd visions of falling in love with one of them. Or two. Nothing wrong with a trans wedding, especially if you're in it. What if someone...besides myself...falls in love with me? Could I get to finally do "The Nasty" in an actual hotel room? NOW, I'm getting WAY AHEAD of myself!!!