A New (True) Beginning

This coming Wednesday, October  7, 2015, one saga of my life will come to an end. On the other hand, something will finally become a reality. Being my seldom masculine self has been moderate at best. However, I knew I was different since childhood, and at times I couldn't help myseĺf being someone else. I have  mentioned this many times before in previous blogs. It's always nerve-wracking at first. Later on, it becomes a part of you. Then, you see yourself AS that person, and you don't want the old life you once had.

This transition always came with a price; family, job, house, or even your  life. I took my chances abruptly relocating to the Rockford area from my beloved native Milwaukee in 1999; my family  basically  gave a damn and all but severed ties with me. Didn't even come home for my dad's  funeral in 2007. My choice. 17 years after first arriving here, I'm finally comfortable  with my feminine  identity. Next week, my name will officially  be changed to Kayleah D. Hutchins Madison. I shouldn't  be nervous  by any means. This has been a long-term  goal of mine that's coming true at last .

Why do I feel that last-minute  bout with the butterflies deep inside of me? This is a dream come true! I don't care  if my family calls me the black sheep of the family .  My èldest sister refused to accept my so-called "lifestyle  choice" when we last saw each other 13 years ago. Screw her! I do, however, plan to get a portrait  of my new self and send it to my other sister in Minnesota as a Christmas present. At least SHE KNEW this was the direction I was going. Annette does accept me....she'll just have to get used to saying "Kayleah" instead of my soon-to-be  former name. To many damn people have had difficulty saying it right!

This was a choice I was going to do this long before the hype over Caitlin Jenner  transition this summer. I have the respect of  the cab company folks I've been driving with. However, I still have to watch my ass in this town. I REFUSE  to be among those transwomen of color who have lost their lives being at the wrong  place  at the wrong  time . I have gotten  plenty of nice comments  from my patrons  about my hair, makeup  or even my attire. NONE have insulted or attacked me in any way, shape  or fashion. And I plan to keep doing it my way! I don't  know who I can inspire, but maybe I can help any transyouth to head in the right direction.
My hormone therapy is going weĺl, even though  knowing it may take months before actually  seeing results . Being a plus-sized  transwoman of color isn't all it is cracked up to be. I'm not wanting to be someone's  poster girl. Real transwomen  do have curves on their body, and that's  NOT where it counts! I also have to mention about my lifetime  weight problem. I just received a letter from my doctor  that I may have diabetes. I am disappointed  in letting  myself go over the years. I can mention that in my last doctor's  visit last week that I weigh 421 lbs. Damn. Before  I got  the cab gig I was riding the bus everywhere & even doing some walking about. I weighed only 409 lbs. Curse my weakness for fast food and plenty of sweets!

In the coming weeks I will also be celebrating  my 45TH  birthday. Yeah, that close to 50. All those years letting myself  go....what can I possibly do to change  both my eating  habits as well as becoming  more  able-bodied  down the  road? I do have some trans sisters who are older than me and look great! So I don't  have the financial means like  they do. Lord knows if I did, I would visit them more often. I have this 20-year reunion coming up in the spring at my college Alma mater in New Orleans. Having a new identity with  a slimmer body would  always be  nice . Sigh.

Still don't have my own ride...which was something I  had planned on achieving this year along with the name  change. Someone has a ride all set up for me. Just  need to come up with $900 and it's mine. I think it's  a 1981 or 82 Buick Electra Park Avenue. I can still wish my dad had bought something like that instead of an 81 Buick  Century ! Damn thing has no back windows! Yet I wound up driving that to New Orleans for my last semester of college. I eventually  wrecked  the motor in that baby in 1998...the same year the person now known as "Kayleah" was born.

Over the years I admit I have made a host of mistakes and procrastinated on career goals  following  college. No need reminding me on  that. Now that I  am about become known as a woman, I ask myself  what can a middle-aged person like me do to reinvent  oneself . Geez, I'm  typing this entire blog on my tablet instead  of my aging laptop ! At 4:16 in the a.m. On the weekend  before my name and gender become feminized!

I just ask God to help me take better care  of  myself, just in case I do want to get the SRS surgery to have a cave installed where my Cadillac  currently  resides!  I may still want to get married one day as the blushing bride in white. Maybe even want bigger "pleasure pillows"! And to just have fun as my new self until He calls me home in a white El Dorado convertible!