Dear Charlotte.....

Folks, if you’ve been reading what’s been on my mind, you’d know that I have an elder sister back home who, after discovering my “true identity” over a decade ago, called me an “embarrassment to the family”. We’ve not spoken since she nearly pushed me down a flight of stairs arguing over this. Well, what I am about to write here is my “letter” coming out to the big sister, one of the main antagonists of my life…..so here it goes.

Dear Charlotte,

Hey, it’s your baby brother here. How are you doing these days? I noticed the picture of you and (my other sister) Annette in your younger years. How nice. It’s been nearly 13 years since we last actually spoke to one another, and it wasn’t a pleasant one indeed. You called me an embarrassment to the family (your actual words) after (her son, my nephew) Jovan told you about his brief stay with me in Illinois.

One day while I was at work, my roommate show him a videotape footage of me performing in full attire-makeup, heels, the works- at a local drag bar, which I only did a few times. You shouldn’t have been that surprised. Remember, I loved playing with all that makeup you had when you were either at school or work. I also tried on some our late mother’s outfits to see if they fitted me nicely.  Yes, even the lingerie and pantyhose! The pissed-off look on your face when you got home was so priceless! 

So I went to grade school wearing nail polish and dressed up like Louise Jefferson for Halloween. Didn’t that tell you something? You told Dad (who passed away in 2007) I was going to get my ass whooped if I kept this infatuation up. I am glad to tell you that never happened. All of those past moments were signs of my future self. The person that I would eventually become so comfortable with that as of April 2014, I decided to live full-time as my new self.

In other words, Charlotte, your brother is, and has always been, transgendered. Oh, and by the way, the name is now Kayleah…Kayleah Hutchins-Madison. It’s not legally changed yet, but it shall hopefully be sometime in the near future. So, how does it feel to have another sister in the family? I know it may be a shock to you, but I’ve been knowing I was this way for the longest time.   This isn’t something that can be prayed away with therapy or some kind of wonder drug with a prescription. I should know. 

In 1998, I was part of this COGIC church choir back home. A voice in my head just told me to, well, “come out”. However, as with a lot of Black churches, they normally frown on any member of their congregation having this so-called sin in their souls. I eventually left that church following an “experiment” that backfired tremendously, causing a chain reaction where the uppity choir director called me out and demanded the choir “pray for me” to come out of this phase. Best decision I made then. 

I do admit that moving out of Dad’s house in 1999 for Rockford, IL without telling anyone was wrong on my part. It was inevitable. I was 28 and still under his roof. This was a way where I could start living on my own and expressing myself without getting chastised from any of the family getting pissed at me. When I returned for a stay three years later, I’m sure no one was wanting to ask me why did I leave my dad in the situation he was in. I thought he was suffering from Alzheimer’s; didn’t seem like it to me. 

Being alone at his age obviously made him an easy target as the neighborhood changed for the worse. Too many homes in the area, formerly owned by blue-collar working families, were now being rented out by single-parents and the ever-so-present baby daddy dramas. It wasn’t like that at all during the days when we grew up, of course. 

I also brung my roomie up so she’d keep him company. Yet he told me that she, a Caucasian, should be back with her own people. I never even told her she, too was transgendered as well. You didn’t even know she got to meet Uncle Bill & Aunt Idalia when I heard Dad was taking a turn for the worse, We stayed up there for a few hours to check up on him, then came home.

You were probably wondering why I was a no-show at Dad’s funeral. I just didn’t want to go. He embarrassed me enough times that rumors went around that I was an embarrassment to him. I was an unmarried, plus-sized individual who has mainly been between jobs his entire life. He knew I had some dresses in my closet, but he’d never seen me wearing them when i went out some Saturday nights. 

Maybe you started the rumor. Maybe you couldn’t help the fact you’ve been disappointed in me from the get-go. That I wasn’t motivated to do anything worth telling he elders about or not exploring a higher degree other than the bachelor’s I so damn rightfully earned??! You probably thought I was going to swindle Dad the way his last few guests did with the money Mom had saved for me as a kid and blow it on cheap beer and hand-me down furniture he saw in a nearby dumpster? And all I did was go into your place and swipe a couple of cd’s.

I just wanted to clear the air here. Cousin told me your health wasn’t as it should for a 58-year-old. Annette is 52, and I’m the baby at age 44. Lord, I could go on and on, but this was only an attempt to extend an olive branch to accept me as your sister from here on out. I understand if you never want to hear from me again. At least I tried to do my best, to speak my peace. The rest is up to you.

your baby sister,

Kayleah