43 Swings & Misses

Ok, people. It's not my birthday yet. This coming Saturday (October 26th) will be the official day of me getting a year closer to keeling over. I will admit that I do get a little giddy and go bragging about it on facebook and/or twitter. Don't know why I do that so much! I have already been getting some well-wishers texting me about how to cope with getting older. Remember Pamela,my facebook friend? She says that yours truly "is so preoccupied with age" (her exact words), and that I am still young to do whatever you want to do in my life. This is coming from someone who has a good 10 years on me with a family and a writer herself. Go sue me! I've mentioned repeatedly that my life hasn't been as fruitful as I once dreamed about in my younger years.

One blink I am a pre-teened wise-ass who spent A LOT OF TIME in front of the TV, something that routinely pissed my dad off. Few kids were in my neighborhood at that time, so I chatted to myself at lot, too. Maybe I had a case of slight jealousy for my cousin, who at least had more friends to hang with where his dad lived. Constant issues with academics. Not that they were serious, just bored with them. I had only Dad, my eldest sister Charlotte and her then-new son Jovan residing with me. Charlotte and I briefly got along, but hey, sibling rivalry, right? We have had some fights over those years. She knew I'd whoop her ass if she got me upset. Even dropped-kicked her in the backseat for the hell of it! This is where I got some of my urge to wear makeup from. She was away from the house, I got to play with her makeup. By the way, all the makeup in the world couldn't help her look like  Beyonce in her early days! You'd know this if you follow my blogs on a regular basis! 

Two blinks I'm in high school, where so many damn TV dramas are based. No cameras were seen filming anything here. Plenty of teenage moms, which was terrible. Confronted a bully. Met a future NBA player in Latrell Sprewell (yes he did attend my school & did graduate with my class). Always had a losing battle with my weight. Got my first job during this time. Came close a few times to getting canned. Yakked to my marketing class on how the pay at this job "was terrible". Had a driver's ed class with a person, who was also on the pom-pom cheerleader team. Had a little crush on her. One October day in 1986, which was very close to my 16th b-day, I heard that she allegedly took her life by overdosing on drugs. The school was in tears. As was I. That afternoon, it was found out it was a hoax. Years later, I used her name as the basis for my feminine alter ego. Thanks, Jayleah! Got to see my school take state in basketball. Happy time! Charlotte's response? "Whatever." She went to a rival high school years before me. Went to prom the last two years of high school, sadly going alone. Was on the Prom Court senior year. Kissed the girl that was my escort. She left me hanging during the main song. Forgetful night. Had $50 and a rubber. So much for getting lucky that night. Bobby Brown supposedly had an after party following a concert. Some went there I went home. Started wondering where to go for college. One thing for sure-I wasn't staying home. Graduation came. Dad was there to see me get my diploma. Went home alone, again, disappointed not celebrating with anybody. 

Next thing you know I prepare for college in New Orleans. Attending one of the Historically Black College and Universities (HBCU). What a mistake that was! Ever heard of the saying, "The blacker the college, the sweeter the knowledge"? It's a LIE!!! I personally felt I was segregated, since my high school had more of a mixed-race population. I took the advice of an English teacher to go to a Black college. All I wanted to do is go to school outside Wisconsin, because I had gotten tired of the annual winter weather of the Midwest. Let's just say I was the one that was playing Huey Lewis & the News while someone else was blasting the Wu-Tang Clan or A Tribe Called Quest. I did get to meet Dr.John & BB King while I was there, mind you. Saw at a distance President-to-be William J. Clinton at a presidential rally, which delayed the Miss Dillard coronation. Took the women's basketball team as my dates...seriously. (I discovered years later why it takes so long for women to get ready!) Got drunk once-and only once. Thankful that no cops were around at 3:00 am while I whizzed on the street. Lived through Hurricane Andrew unscathed. Nearly expelled twice for alleged mail handling. Got saved (yay!). Joined a gospel choir. Chosen to be Mr. Voices of Joy 1993-94.(see above pic.) Knew I couldn't stay in college forever, which seemed like I had the best of times. Just like high school, I came back home alone after receiving my B.A. in Humanities. No family was there when that happened. Got it on tape. Haven't watched it in years. No reason to add salt to my emotional wounds.

Then came life after college. What the hell am I going to do? A lengthy collaboration of temporary assignments didn't help solve this question. Followed by a nasty knack for being hired-then fired over the dumbest things.  Guessing Dad raised me the wrong way. Had Mom not died from kidney cancer in 1979, she'd tell me a thing or two about planning a goal and achieving it. I wouldn't have said my fateful last words to her. Moms have a way with inspiring their offspring. Then came April 1998. Those days raiding Charlotte's makeup and wearing Mom's old clothes actually came to pay itself off. You can guess what happened here. Joined a church that wasn't as friendly as you thought it was. Especially when it came to knowing about LGBT. So I joined this church choir after college, sang the songs and got bored hearing the now-bishop scream and shout into the microphone. What was the score of the Packer game I'm missing? I admit it was a mistake to try to surprise one of the choir folks half-dressed in 1997. She eventually told everybody. I barely even knew much of the choir while I was there, and no one came to even get to know me. You know I did leave that church and became more involved with being a T-girl, even if only part-time.  

Which leaves the more recent past. These last few years I admit have been the toughest years yet. Never mind about the economy's struggles. Unemployment, eviction, transportation, arrest warrants, collection notices, lawsuits, alleged and accurate, depression, insanity, dental issues, weight problems,broken & delayed goals....it's endless. This was just the last decade! Great to find a church that accepts me for who I am, even if I am dolled up occasionally. Now, I still wonder when some of my goals will become a reality. Will I still be a young buck when this happens? How long am I going to be able to enjoy those successes until what's-his-face comes and gets me? 

Now Pamela can realize why I vent the way I do here. For your viewing pleasure, check out this video I made a year ago....right here. I don't want my life to get cut short when I least expect it then spend the rest of eternity wondering why my life didn't live up to expectations. That's what I'm generally facing as I write this. In less than seven years my ass will be 50 years of age. 50!!! Half a century. Some folks don't even make it to age 1! Unfair part of life! Dying scares me WHITE!!! Yeah, yeah, I know it's part of life. Why would you want to die in your sleep? Why would you want to go out like that? I'm getting razzled plenty about getting old. I would do almost anything to change some of these moments. Not talking about what could be easily done in the movies.

I took a nap last night....I wish I was on a train to New Orleans....in 1989.