EmpowerHer (Part 4)

There I was, sitting in this makeshift classroom in our hotel with my sisters for a series of classes to, well, empower us in this chaotic world of The Pumpkin Head. I had been in an invisible makeshift shell that had been re-created thanks to my not getting involved with getting to know my fellow sisters. It was my vacation from work, yes, however, everyday while I was at BTAC, my hotel room also felt like a goddamn prison away from home. Four years coming here, and it's the second time in as many years that I have a room to myself. I at first expected someone to room with, but thanks to the possible scare tactics of political nonsense, some decided to stay home. Great. More time to stare at a white stucco ceiling, maybe to see if a cockroach or spider found its way to occupy my lonliness.

My perennial bout of moodiness returns like a five o' clock shadow on my face. Some of the girls I've known since my first BTAC convention back in 2019. Yet times change, as they always do, and some of them that I've become acquainted with were unable to return. Fuck! Time to meet some new friends. This afternoon's seminar begins with a new class activity: creating a roux. Not the cooking version. Just like the ingredients collaborating to make jambalaya, this particular roux takes a gander at what particuar things defy us as Black transwomen. This is the part where I normally keep my mouth shut and make an attempt to absorb the info inside my head...which was thinking about something way off topic...like how my hometown Milwaukee Bucks were doing to win in the playoffs, or am I going to ever get laid...can some asshole assassinate our president....shit like that. It's called DAYDREAMING, YOU DICK!!!! Walter Mitty has got NOTHING on me!!! Let's see that creep try to re-create MY imaginations! 

Anyhoo, back to the session at hand. We continued working in the workbook, The Politics of Passibility, Introspection & Star Power. Why search the sky for stars when the brightest light is already shining within you? After all these years of my transness, I never spend enough time to throughly look into myself and see how much beauty I have inside of me. I've just have had such a coddling for wearing makeup wherever i go. Your reflection radiates a neon gold brilliance illuminating entire communities. Each of us does bring something essential to this journey. I wonder what that special ingredient inside of me actually is. 

Between the sessions, I actually did get out and mingle with the folks. One occasion I offered to drive anyone to the neaby gas station to grab a drink or some nighttime grub. Several folks did take me up on the offer. Beats being couped up inside the hotel night after night. Thank God I brung my Bluetooth adapter so I can play some tunes off my phone, because I barely listen to regular radio anymore. Granted, my musical tastes greatly differs with most of the folks here at BTAC.This time, my phone just happened to be playing a song from the Mississippi Mass Choir, "He's Able", and it's blasting through the Venue's speakers into the Texas evening. Although it was mainly a 5-minute walk from the hotel to the gas station, you always have to careful when the stars are out to play. Upon returning to the hotel, still jamming to Mississippi Mass, I saw some of the girls hanging out on the patio to enjoy talking some smack & light up their smokes. One of them, who came from Maryland, asked me about my musical tastes. She didn't know that I actually do like listening to some gospel on occasion, if the moment called for it. She asked what was one of my favorite tunes in gospel, so I pulled up a goodie: "The Battle is Not Yours" by Yolanda Adams. We had a little sing-off right then & there by the parking lot just for fun. 

OK, I opened up that I wasn't going to remain in the comforts of my hotel room while at BTAC. I know leaving my comfort zone was a necessity. So, I hung out by the pool/hot tub near the back and met some new folks as part of a speed dating scenario. Obviously, I was the eldest of the folks there, but that was the least important. We all just hung out in one of those getting-to-know-you events while I relaxed my legs into the warm spa. Wednesday night had arrived, and the annual Transmanifest was starting soon, and that usually went on for a while. Two of the previous talent shows in the last four BTACs I wanted to perform, regardless if I was a known performer or not. In 2019, I made $25 in tips repeating my number from the Forest City Pageant a year earlier. Last year, with some help from my roommate Billie, a longtime trans advocate, I made $40-while lip-synching an instrumental version of "Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves"! No plans were made this year to join in the fun, not even to attend the show. Lasima, one of my new friends, was part of the festivities that night. However, these shows originally start around 8:00 at night, and often run behind. i came down around 10,  and Lasima was still waiting her turn. Sigh. The waiting!!! She's only one of a small gathering of my friends that wears color contacts for appearances. I looked into her eyes and though she'd become a vampire! We were going to hang out after the show, but we were all tired, so off to bed we went.

Conferences always come and go, and BTAC was no exception here. Thursdays meant the annual Black Trans International Pageant, another conference activity that goes late into the night, if not the next day. Those who were competing in the three categories (Mr., Ms, Non-binary) would be revealed that evening, unless someone talked. Once agin, I had no interest, on account the NFL Draft was starting up that night...in Green Bay, WI. You knew, as a devoted Cheesehead, I wasn't passing this up. I still had my goodies from Buc-ee's with me, including three humongous brisket sandwiches unopened to keep its respective freshness. What a time to show off my masculinity by routinely seeing who'd be the newest member of the Green Bay Packers. Of course, no shame for girls to enjoy the sport. Someone asked me why don't I show my support for the competitors at the pageant? My answer: I never considered myself pageant material.  They've always run long, and I've mentally wanted to be somewhere people weren't. Also, there's a difference between wanting to compete in a pageant and getting asked to do so. I only ran in the 2018 Forest City Pageant because the owner asked me to because she only had three people competing and needed a fourth contestant. The judges could clearly see on my face that I lacked the commitment in being a contestant than just a schmuck in the audience. No wonder I finished last. Guess how many people ran in 2019? ONE. SINGLE. CONTESTANT. Talk about an instant winner! i was pleased to hear the next morning at breakfast that one of my friends, Latonia from Jackson, MS, won her category as the 2025 Ms. Black Trans International. Some people try multiple time to win. More power to them. I guess it was Latonia's time to shine.