Can 2019 Help Me Find What I'm Looking For?

Sunday, December 30, 2018.
Here I am, watching the first Indiana Jones flick, "Raiders of the Lost Ark", and retyping my final blog post of this calendar year on my new 10' tablet with a Bluetooth keyboard. I have had plenty of sleepless nights contemplating how to sum up my 2018 without probably boring the shit out of you, the reader of my blogpage. A lot can happen in only 365 days. We've lost a Bandit, a Queen and a Cranberry this year, to name a few people.
I got to celebrate 20 years being an openly trans queen, and still have no regrets.   Why should I? My hair was dyed multiple colors, also with no regrets. I'm still driving a cab in this town, which is both a blessing...and a dreaded curse. Of course, there's my long-awaited appearance running in the Forest City Pageant back in August. It became just my second-ever drag pageant since my coming out in 1998. I had gotten myself so damn hyped up over this that I eventually failed to prepare myself for what was going to happen. Not that I was doing this as a commitment, mind you. I competed and did well, probably knowing I had no real chance in winning. I overcame my nerves ( and early flubs) to do my talent number justice. The combination of "Akeelah & the Bee", Maya Angelou's "Still I Rise" and Keala Settle's powerful "This Is Me" from "The Greatest Showman" got positive vibes from the crowd at The Office Niteclub Lounge. I might never get another chance to perform this, but everytime I hear the latter, it really makes me want to just get up and show everyone that I still had entertainment valor, even after over a decade away from the stage.

Monday, December 31, 2018 12:20am

Still watching "Raiders". By 8:00am, EST, it will be 2019 in Sydney, Australia...still the ONE city I've always wanted to see up close with my own eyes. Over the past 30-plus years, I have had plenty of financial issues that have prevented me from wanting to visit a far away place to visit a Facebook friend or two. Darlene B., one of my trans elders, has told me repeatedly not to procrastinate while I still could book my own travel plans. That's something that I know will need to change in 2019, especially since Darlene almost succumbed one year ago to her ailments. She's very thankful to be alive now.

I also know that my ass should stop being so damn concerned about my age or when the Grim Reaper himself may take me away? Sarcasm runs deep in my soul, and I use it on a nightly basis when I have passengers that just won't shut the fuck up about how I'm doing or how busy has it been tonight? And they think I'M the one that's being rude?! Yours truly was hired as one of the night drivers, and I do my job as a #TaxiDiva pretty damn well, thank you. Me being nice should be the last thing on their minds!

2019 will have some substantial moments as did 2018. Mainly about my longtime roommate Mariah. This coming summer will be the surprisingly 20th anniversary of not only us living together, but also me calling the city of Rockford home. Why haven't I gotten homesick of Milwaukee after all these years? I am!  Yes, it can be a bit of a culture shock at first ( like me when I first moved here in 1999.) But no matter where you relocate to, it's what you do with it that makes living in a new city worthwhile. Nevermind if your new home's smaller or larger than where you came from, if you can find a good number of friends in your town, you'll be alright. However, if you're THAT homesick - which is bizarre at best - go home. You can take me out of Milwaukee and place me here in Rockford, but the Milwaukee in me will NEVER LEAVE!!!

Now, for the $64,000 question: Why the hell can't I love myself?  In the new year, I will reach the same age of my mom at the time of her death. It's things like this that keeps me up in the wee hours of the morning, even on my nights off. I can't always dress like a diva when driving my cab, yet doing so does make me look better. But that's not always the case. All the other women that do drive a cab or do medical runs here DO very much look like they actually have gotten out of bed. What I've done is to defy the norm of what girls should look like when driving a cab at night. I've been following what some other trans women of color have done: paint up. Maybe on New Year's Eve...which is tonight. God, I'm wondering why do I have to paint up so much? The war paint does get washed off when I come home. Is it a way to love myself? That's a continuous mystery that I'm trying to solve...with more questions.
in the coming year, I SO want to be happy. Lord knows I shouldn't bullshit about going on with all the agony in today's world. But what about myself? Can a plus-sized 48-year-old trans woman of color be happy? I'm pretty sure the answer can be an infinite yes...i just need a sign....somewhere....