Dear Mom: One Year Later
(November 24 is the anniversary of when my mom went home. Last year, as fate would have it, I got to sing the gospel classic Oh Happy Day on the actual day of her passing. I dedicated the song as a remembrance to her. (you can watch the video of that performance here: https://www.youtube.com/watchv=sF_2GtAsnkc&list=UUyPd3CWLxoYrwYup4uHJxFg.)
Dear Mom:
It's been one year since I last had the chance to "write" you. While some things have stayed the same, I made one major change in the past year that I have so far not regretted. One year ago, I felt a bit sad when I performed Oh Happy Day on the anniversary of your homecoming. I thankfully had some friends to help me cope with the ordeal. I just turned 44 about a month ago, and I feel pretty good. I may still be self-employed and reside in a motel room with a bi-polar roommate, but my health is still here.
This past April, I made an announcement on social media about how I am going to live the rest of my life. Mom, when I mentioned last year that I maybe a trans person, I had only been dressing up as a woman for quite a while. I never really liked to see myself as a grumpy, obese African-American male who hadn't found a purpose in life. However, when I was dressed as a woman, it seemed I had some confidence, determination and vigor to make something of myself. After about 16 years of only dressing as a woman on a part-time basis, I posted on facebook that I was going to go live full-time as a female under the name Kayleah Hutchins-Madison. As of right now, I still have my original male name. I am planning on getting that officially changed within a year's time. You know I never liked my name synonymous with a toilet bowl. (hint!) I had to do what made me feel happy. Most of my friends, even those who went to high school or college with me agree.
I called Annette (my sister) to wish her a happy birthday in May. She even got to see on YouTube my dedication to you! She believed I have been forgiven for the last words I said to you in 1979. I then told her I was a transgender. To my surprise, she already knew I was heading in that direction. I just felt glad that someone in the family accepted me for my decision. Charlotte, on the other hand, I am not holding my breath on that! I never told you that I first realized about me when I joined a COGIC church back in Milwaukee. Stayed a member for over a year. Was never steeped in the Pentecostal religion. But when I discovered my true self, they tried to "pray this phase out of me". I then knew that church wasn't for me. There's nothing wrong with being a transperson AND a child of God. Too many religious zealots and fearful organizations are not making it any easier to live in today's world where we get harassed about our sexuality or have been attacked just because of who we are. I have thankfully blended in to the society here, and have not been attacked by any hoodlums since I started my transformation.
Did you know I even took part in the annual Chicago Pride Parade this summer? Something I have wanted to do for sometime now. Although there was no way I could walk the entire three-mile route, I still represented myself quite well, thank you. I recently have had the interest of becoming a trans-activist here in the Rockford area. What that mainly explains is the acceptance of transpeople in the everyday world, minus the occasional gender issues, which some people do need to learn about. They have lives to live, too. Such as myself; a small business owner of my own online travel company I run from home.
These days there are more transpeople being accepted in the modern world. one of them is Janet Mock, who is a columnist who came out as a trans in a magazine article a few years back. She wrote a best-selling autobiography, Defining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More. I am happy to say I have a copy of that book. Reading it cover to cover made me realize I don't have to be afraid nor ashamed of being who I am. Understanding the book's message ultimately helped me decide to fully embrace the woman inside of me. That's why I made the choice to live as Kayleah full-time. This is also something I said to someone at a gender meeting outside Milwaukee in 1998. It came true!!!
Mom, not long after your departure, I did try on your old clothes, including your nursing uniforms,wigs,lingerie and pantyhose. Dad didn't want those things around me. I later tried on Charlotte's makeup when she was at work. Wore fingernail polish to grade school. This was no phase I was going through in my younger years. It didn't mean I was into boys or anything like that. I just knew I was different. Charlotte will probably never accept that her kid brother is becoming her third sister (hormone therapy to follow).
I will always miss you, Mom. I know we'll see each other again on the other side.
Love,
Kayleah
Dear Mom:
It's been one year since I last had the chance to "write" you. While some things have stayed the same, I made one major change in the past year that I have so far not regretted. One year ago, I felt a bit sad when I performed Oh Happy Day on the anniversary of your homecoming. I thankfully had some friends to help me cope with the ordeal. I just turned 44 about a month ago, and I feel pretty good. I may still be self-employed and reside in a motel room with a bi-polar roommate, but my health is still here.
This past April, I made an announcement on social media about how I am going to live the rest of my life. Mom, when I mentioned last year that I maybe a trans person, I had only been dressing up as a woman for quite a while. I never really liked to see myself as a grumpy, obese African-American male who hadn't found a purpose in life. However, when I was dressed as a woman, it seemed I had some confidence, determination and vigor to make something of myself. After about 16 years of only dressing as a woman on a part-time basis, I posted on facebook that I was going to go live full-time as a female under the name Kayleah Hutchins-Madison. As of right now, I still have my original male name. I am planning on getting that officially changed within a year's time. You know I never liked my name synonymous with a toilet bowl. (hint!) I had to do what made me feel happy. Most of my friends, even those who went to high school or college with me agree.
I called Annette (my sister) to wish her a happy birthday in May. She even got to see on YouTube my dedication to you! She believed I have been forgiven for the last words I said to you in 1979. I then told her I was a transgender. To my surprise, she already knew I was heading in that direction. I just felt glad that someone in the family accepted me for my decision. Charlotte, on the other hand, I am not holding my breath on that! I never told you that I first realized about me when I joined a COGIC church back in Milwaukee. Stayed a member for over a year. Was never steeped in the Pentecostal religion. But when I discovered my true self, they tried to "pray this phase out of me". I then knew that church wasn't for me. There's nothing wrong with being a transperson AND a child of God. Too many religious zealots and fearful organizations are not making it any easier to live in today's world where we get harassed about our sexuality or have been attacked just because of who we are. I have thankfully blended in to the society here, and have not been attacked by any hoodlums since I started my transformation.
Did you know I even took part in the annual Chicago Pride Parade this summer? Something I have wanted to do for sometime now. Although there was no way I could walk the entire three-mile route, I still represented myself quite well, thank you. I recently have had the interest of becoming a trans-activist here in the Rockford area. What that mainly explains is the acceptance of transpeople in the everyday world, minus the occasional gender issues, which some people do need to learn about. They have lives to live, too. Such as myself; a small business owner of my own online travel company I run from home.
These days there are more transpeople being accepted in the modern world. one of them is Janet Mock, who is a columnist who came out as a trans in a magazine article a few years back. She wrote a best-selling autobiography, Defining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More. I am happy to say I have a copy of that book. Reading it cover to cover made me realize I don't have to be afraid nor ashamed of being who I am. Understanding the book's message ultimately helped me decide to fully embrace the woman inside of me. That's why I made the choice to live as Kayleah full-time. This is also something I said to someone at a gender meeting outside Milwaukee in 1998. It came true!!!
Mom, not long after your departure, I did try on your old clothes, including your nursing uniforms,wigs,lingerie and pantyhose. Dad didn't want those things around me. I later tried on Charlotte's makeup when she was at work. Wore fingernail polish to grade school. This was no phase I was going through in my younger years. It didn't mean I was into boys or anything like that. I just knew I was different. Charlotte will probably never accept that her kid brother is becoming her third sister (hormone therapy to follow).
I will always miss you, Mom. I know we'll see each other again on the other side.
Love,
Kayleah
Comments
Post a Comment