After I Started Being Feminine Full-Time....

Alrighty now. It's been a few weeks now since I made my decision to become Kayleah on a full-time basis. Mariah was one of the first people I announced this to (not counting those on my facebook under my given name). She already knew this was coming. Hell, we've been living together for nearly 15 years anyway. She's been caking on the stuff on her face long before I even met her at that gender gathering outside Milwaukee. She'd get on me when I haven't dressed up for anything in a while, which at most would lead me into a state of depression. I did get some positive responses from a few people from both my high school and college days, even one from my cousin on my mom's side. Now I do have myself some immediate goals in mind, including having my name legally changed to Kayleah withing 6-10 months...or earlier, you never know.

When this month began I didn't want to wait any longer about my urges to apply foundation, eyeshadow and lipstick to my face. On April 13, I started dressing like the person I have always desired to become since 1998. My church, Spring Creek United Church of Christ, has already known about my "other side" for as long as I have been a member of that church. So several weeks ago before choir rehearsal one Sunday morning, I told Janel, the choir director, that from here on out I am living my life as Kayleah Hutchins-Madison, and it felt good to say so. I really am blessed to be a part of a church that is accepting to the LGBT community. I proudly took off the buttons attached to my given name tag and placed them on the latter tag. I had to explain this to the rest of the sanctuary and bell choirs, as well as some of the congregation that I knew, so I would understand if they accidentally refer to me by the former male status.  I think they are getting a bit intoxicated by the acetone when I apply or re-apply my nail polish! I've so gotten used to having longer fingernails, which shall get either a gel or a French-style manicure when the time & money is right.  

I'm sure you, the reader, are wondering when I am coming to explain the photo at the top of this article and the one to the immediate left here. Both of them were taken shortly after Easter Sunday service at my church. Yes, I was wearing my choir robe in these pictures. This one here is a full head-to-toe shot, while the above one was a chest shot. My church friends definitely LOVED my hairpiece, courtesy of Especially Yours,Vivica A. Fox Collection, my Christmas gift to me. Why I chose to wear it on Easter...hey, why not? I was also going to wear this particular matching flamingo pink shirt/dress combo with the hair, but both choirs were active on Sunday, so I had to once again wear my boys' white shirt with a skirt (below), covered during the service under the aforementioned robe. No matter. I liked doing this. So this is a far cry from what normally happens at a predominantly African-American church. At least I got to sing a few tunes over the years...not yet as who I am now.

I have started to dress more and more like a woman and wearing makeup practically everyday now, especially when I am out and about in town. Thank God I still have a bra or two lying around my pad,so I can at least for the time being appear to have a decent rack! All the makeup I have kept locked away from Mariah's prying eyes are being put to good use. The more I am dressed in public, the less nervous I am, the more confident I get and the more happy I feel. All those times where people had called me "Ms." almost strictly due to the length of my hair got me so giddy! Early 1998 I changed my hair color to eventually masquerade my gray hairs, going from jet black to a golden bronze shade (courtesy of Dark & Lovely). Actual women of color came up to me and asked if that was my real hair! Let's say it was a popular choice! I have styled my hair a few times since then, knowing one of these days I am going to cough up some dough and really give my hair some pizazz. 

Warmer weather is finally getting here, so I know shopping for women's clothes ONLY will become a necessity. Lord knows my closet has some boy clothes that can get donated to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. It's good to know some plus-sized people that can help me with this. The shoes will be another story, since I have large feet. You wouldn't notice that unless you look down. As for my speaking voice, which can throw a trained ear off according to the tone, I do work on it a bit. I went shopping this week, and a middle-aged woman was searching for some wheat crackers. She asked me where they were. Without skipping a beat, I told her that I was not sure where they were...in a reasonably feminine voice. She paid no attention! SUCCESS!!!

One of the few challenges I have left so far is to venture out on public transportation fully dressed. Too many jerks in this world will go after any asshole that doesn't "look" like a woman. Some of them you may have read about in the obituary papers;the ones who no one helped because they were living as the opposite gender. My guard will be up until otherwise noted. There's no way in hell my ass is getting assaulted by anyone! I did see a transgendered woman at a downtown bus station get verbally assaulted by passersby for no reason. I actually walked up to this person, who didn't care what they said about her. She stood her ground! 

Learning to remain feminine when I am at home can also be challenging. I could easily retract to boyish-behavior moods behind closed doors. This is where keeping my makeup on can help remind me of who I am becoming. I drew my eyebrows for the hell of it this morning! This is only in the first month, folks. Natural-born ladies are used to this by age 16. I am different by choice, and why should those naysaying assholes deter me from my expressing myself? FUCK THEM!!! 

I am glad that things have gone smoothly in the first month of my transition. Yeah, there's a long way to go towards being as natural of a woman as I can get, but I thank God for leading me in the right direction of defining myself as a real person.